My Trip To Panama

I'm leaving for Panama in less than 5 hours. I'll be gone for almost 3 weeks. Exactly eighteen days. I'm really going to miss Dramatic and Tazhy. They are the only two people that hold my attention, keep me happy and laughing, and love me unconditionally. I don't think I'm going to find better friends anywhere. I'm going to miss them toooooooooooooooooo much for words. What am I going to do when I'm feeling lonely? Whose going to spend hours on the phone with me? Whose going to meet me outside to walk? Whose just going to be here? I guess I have to settle for them being on my mind and in my heart for my whole vacation.

Birthday Wishes

Happy Birthday to my best friend Dramatic. I wish you the best and I hope me being here for your birthday made you less lonely. I'm sorry we fought, and I hope you know regardless of your choices I support them and love you all the more for making them to benefit your happiness.

July 30

Today I spent my day with Dramatic, as usual we just hung out I wanted to spend the whole day but my father eneded up having to go to go to work. I'm getting tired of him always working, but I guess thats the price I pay for my lifestyle. I mean we're not rich, nor truly comfortable, but I am somewhat priviledged. My brothers and I get a lot of things that some don't. I wonder if he wasn't in my life how I would be now and if I would want to see him or not? Tomorrow I'm spending some time with Dramatic for his birthday, I'm glad that I can be here for his birthday and I hope when I come back and he blows off the candles on his cake that all his wishes come true.

Ruby

This I should've been posted but let me just be brief since its late. I found my ruby, my favorite stone in the world has to be a ruby, its just like natures darkest temptest in its pure form. I love them, but anyway my real ruby is Dramatic. HIs birthday is Sunday too. I hope it goes well.

My Faves

Anything hot and chocolate is perfect. Sex is pleasure in its rawest form. Love is more than just a feeling its actions too. Hate is evil in one of its disguises. Everyone has an evil side if a bitch doesn't show her own she's crazy and you need to watch out. Regret nothing. You owe nobody but yourself and your kids greatness. They're the only people that you need. Accepting defeat is failure. Humility is not borne to you, you gain it if your beaten down enough. (I'm not sure about that one to some extent I think its true just not for everyone.) A wolf howls at night because loneliness hits when the moon is sky high.

I'm......

I'm almost leaving, but it feels like I'm leaving behind something that I can't get back or won't be here when I come back. Am I?

Friends?

I wish my brothers would stop acting as though they can read the minds of Dramatic and I. They seem to think that we have a relationship built on more than just friendship, well at least Jahair does. Dramtic has already drawn the boundaries of our friendship, not that I don't agree with them but those lines keep us at a distance and I respect them because their part of who he is and I expect him to be exactly who he has always been.

La Copa De Oro

Yesterday Sunday July 24, 2005 Panama played soccer against U.S.A. The game was actually pretty good I was shocked by the talent, determination, and sheer drive that each player on the teams possessed. The game lasted longer than expected, they went into double over time and penalty shots. USA ended up winning at the penalty shoot off. Although USA won I would like to commerate the goalie from Panama. His performance was sheer brillance. Also I'm not a fan of soccer but this game was exciting and even though the score remained zero zero until penalty shots forced the score 3 to 1.

Dramatic & Gigi

Maybe, maybe not. I'm not sure exactly what she's thinking but I know the only person she should be thinking about is the one that thinks with her.

Cuz Gigi

To me family is supposed to be the people you can depend on to always be there, you can trust and confide in, you can be able to share yourself with them. My family seems to lack that connection, my brother Barry and I are as far apart as they come, I believe he is an ass at least sometimes anyway. My other brother is okay and we get along a lot better and he makes me laugh way more. My mother and I are also extremely uncivil to each other I sometimes wish for a better relationship but I also know she and I just can't seem to get along and maybe theres a reason. My father has to be my favorite person in my world. I trust no one more than him and I love no one more than him. Going by my family definition I can probably count on one hand the people I consider family to me. It would have to be my father, Dramatic, Tazhy, my grandfathers from both sides and if I'm missing somebody, sorry I didnt think that deep but I consider these people family from the top of my head. Oh and Darrell, Dramatic's brother and my brother's best friend, I've known him for so long that I just consider him family in every sense of the word. Anyway my cousin Gigi is just as confused as ever, her best friend and most recent boyfriend and her split because of her insecurity and he has been trying to get back with her forever, since I really don't understand why she wastes time trying to distance herself at the age of 31 I would think that she would have made up her mind on what she wants but that doesn't seem to be the case. I've also been trying to hook her up with Dramatic, when we spoke a little while ago I told her if she's unsure don't come into his life especially if your going to be deciding what you want. Then I tried to be a cuz and asked what she wants that was the worst thing I could have ever done she started confusing me(not really a hard task), but still she confused me. I know I won't bring her and Dramatic together until she settles things with Sean. One she hasn't told him about some deep shit that concerns him and two she seems to still want him in that way. As a matter of fact that's exactly what I'm going to advise her to do, be with Sean and trust him, I know that their relationship will work out if she does that. Who knows maybe next year I'll be a bridesmaid. Geo follow my advice and good luck. Sean loves you so much and if push comes to shove if he has to he can let you go and know that because he loves you he did the right thing.

July 19

I saw Dramatic today we walked to Subways and had lunch there. I know its been a while since I've taken him out to eat but its on hold how much I take him out cause I want to leave him with some money to eat and groceries in his fridge and when I come back hopefully hit the movies again cause I havent been there in a while. Going to the movies with him is always fun its like I can finally be excited and not look goofy just to have someone I can go to the movies with and laugh and have fun. I rather him starve a little now than while I'm gone so before I leave I know he'll be okay while I'm gone. The weather today is also damn hot thats like the only way to explain this extreme heat.

My Family

They seem to just want me around when I can be of use. I don't like that feeling. I want to be there all the time not just when they want me to be. I feel like I'm an observer in my own home, instead of a participater. Dramatic don't worry about it but I do cause I feel lonely when I'm in this house sometimes.

Cyre

Thats my cousin. Dramatic has met her, Tazhy doesn't like her. From time to time I can't tolerate her. At night Tazhy calls and I call Dramatic and she doesn't want me on the phone but what she can't seem to understand is that they've been there for me, they make me laugh and smile and just be me. When I cry they're there, when I'm mad they try to be there, just everything, she's recent I consider her family cause we grew up together but us really connecting is recent. So to them she comes last if I can't accomodate everyone. Sorry but I want to keep the people who have been here closest to me.

July 15 - 17

My weekend was completely uneventful and a little boring. I went to Jersey to return my cousin back to her family and celebrate her sister's graduation. She's practicing medicine in her own little way. Her family would like her to continue on and become a doctor but right now shes enjoying the field she's in. Cyre ended up coming back with us and she's probably staying for another week. Signal for my verizon phone was horrible in Jersey everytime I moved I would break up and lose signal completely. I felt like I was in a lost world.

Raymond 3

My pet is still barking, but by the wrong tree.

Hyper Text Markup Language

This post has no corrections on it exactly as I did it the first time it will stay. Dramatic I know there will be things I need to work on so please comment.

My Best Friends

I Love	Dramatic
I Love	Tazhy

Weak

I'm starting to think that I'm just as weak as a newborn. Defenseless and fragile. I seem to want to let Dramatic know that that's not the the case but it seems to be. I mean today alone I tried to dare him and ignore him but I know that me doing that only hurts me. I know he cares about me but I also know that he can ignore me. It hurts but its true, and right now I just need someone to hold on to. I need somebody who's going to sit on the phone with me even if we aren't talking and just let me know everything is going to be alright. I feel like I need a guardian angel, someone who's going to guide, someone who's going to hold me when I want to cry, someone who knows me better than anyone. The thought of losing anyone in my life right now is painful, I'm on the verge of losing a brother and even Tazhy trying to make me laugh isn't enough I can't even see her. I feel lonely and to answer ur question u posted Dramatic no I'm not up to the challenge. I know if push comes to shove I can at least get a hug but I need more and Dramatic can't be the person to give it to me. I guess its time to stop dreading the thought of getting hurt and get back on the riding horse. Find someone whose willing to be there as much as possible and just put my trust in them. Its not gonna be easy but I need someone who can just be my shoulder to lean on, that person I can trust, that person I can hold on to , that person who can understand my insecurities, someone who won't violate my friendship, someone who won't crush my pride and my heart like Raymond did. The funny thing is if I let my guard down enough I'll let someone whose just like Raymond in and get run over again. I can't take it a second time around but what choice do I have besides giving in to my situation and let someone in to give me some comfort. Is it so wrong to want that? Is it so wrong to just have someone there who your important to and who'll bear with you through all your burdens. I guess what I'm looking for is another Dramatic in all actuality, because I couldn't bring myself to put my little problems on him he has more important things to be thinking about. Dramatic please don't take this as an insult or whatever cause as much as I would like to include you I'll fell like I'm weighing down.

On Going pt2

My mother is a bitch, hooray.

Bets

I'm winning most of the bets that me and Tazhy made. I guess I do know Dramatic pretty well especially as of late.

Dramatic - Mickey Saga Chapter 1 July 13th

Well this really isn't the first chapter but since the official name has been given this is the first post including a day that we spent together. I also want to clearify that I have never hated him or wanted him dead. I love him unconditionally. Today we spent the day walking like we were insane. We walked it around prospect park. We laughed, talked, played just had an all around good time. He is my favorite campanion and any way that he's there means a lot to me. Anyway my bitchy cousin didn't come I'm kind of glad that she didn't cause it would've been the same cat and mouse game and to see his face in that sad look would make me depressed.

4- 12-05

Today was okay, I just wish that I could have brought a better smile to Dramatic's face but I am so happy that I saw him today. Either way Dramatic seems to really be letting his situation get the best of him. The most I can do is what I have been doing just be there for him and be able to support his choices in any way that I can. He hasn't disappointed me in the eight months that I've known him and although he considers himself a failure he could only disappoint me by giving up and letting his situation get the best of him. I haven't a fucking clue what was going on between Dramatic and Cyre today but they both acted as I expected them to. Dramatic actually shocked me today he went above and beyond what I thought he would do to make someone feel comfortable. She obviously didnt understand that so what can I say besides better luck next time. I did enjoy seeing the chase today, it was a new side of him.

Dramatic - Mickey Saga

I would have never thought to put a name to my friendship with Dramatic but I guess that Tazhy's mind works overtime. This was her topic first and it is one of a kind. This will also be an ongoing update with various chapters. Dramatic and I have been for the past few months posting about our friendship this is now the official title. Anyway my best friend Dramatic is just what I always expect him to be, himself the one I have grown to know and love with all his faults as he has done the same for me. The picture above is an actual picture of the Dramatic - Mickey Saga, hopefully I can get Darrell to draw a cartoon version something cool. I'm like vibing on the official name of our friendship. Its original and I got to thank Tazhy for coming up with it. Stayed tuned with her cause she is also working on the MMD saga. Thats bound to be fire as well. This is the Mickey, Mariposa, Dramatic saga can you say perfection. My two best friends I'm in love with the concept its priceless and original what a combo.

My Best Friend

I don't like nor do I want to fight with him. From the time we met I've been becoming attached to him. Although my self esteem and self worth is down, when I'm around him I feel important and special and like I'm worth all the gold in Africa. Anyway today we had a fight and it felt so similar to how we used to fight that it made me feel like I was losing my best friend. I hope a next fight won't happen for another eight months at least. I hope that as I get older I'm content with our relationship. My other best friend Tazhy thinks that I'm settling for just enough when I want or am expecting more. I don't know what to say to that but I'm still thinking about exactly what I want. Eventually things will be exactly what they're meant to be.

quote of the hour

You always pass failure on the way to success. Mickey Rooney

Lies

In my fifteen years I can honestly say I haven't lied too much, don't get me wrong I'm far from a saint I've had my shares of deceptions. Today I came clean with my best friends about my whereabouts on tuesday. I feel like shit for lying to them especially Dramatic. Anyways I think I just need sometime before I feel like myself again. I guess this time around my one little lie made me feel like one little worthless person. What can I say? I'm out.

My Sunshine

Your my bright light yet I can see your rays going out, like clouds covering the

sun before the storm. Your my mountain lion yet you guide me like a shepard. Your my goodness yet I fear you'll leave me in the darkness. Your my pleasure in a world of pain yet I can't seem to clear the haze. How can I show you the happiness you give me when I'm not even a flashlight yet alone a sunshine in your darkness.

This poem is by anonymous but its for my two best friends.

Sad

Lately I've been feeling a little worthless. I've been realizing how spoiled and clueless I am to the world around me. Some say its okay but I realize that it makes me feel like a bad person. I feel like I'm too carefree and I don't seem to be mature enough to handle it if my situation changed. I also feel like I've been neglecting Dramatic I mean I know he's not my responsibility but I want to ease his burden. Sometimes I do wonder if I'm just causing him too feel worse about his situation with all my help or am I really being a friend and supporting him in his time of need. Only time will tell. I hope things get better for him. My other best friend Tazhy seems to just be living in her problems. I know she's frustrated with her syblings and she's not able to enjoy her life and be carefree. On the bright side she has a boyfriend so maybe her ray of sunshine in the all the darkness is finally breaking through.

On Going

For as long as I can remember my mother and I have been on opposing teams. I wish for once we can be on the same team. She constantly finds things wrong with me. For example, my weight is her favorite issue. I know I'm not a zero but I'm not out of control either. Today alone she said have you looked in the mirror lately?, the day before she asked why I'm not going to the gym more often. Her next issue with me is that I don't like staying home with her,(why would I all she do is pick on my flaws) she even said today since you want to be in the street like a slut I'm gonna treat you like a slut. My mother also likes to pick fights with my father for little shit that crap gets old real quick. Unfortunately I'm just gonna stop fighting her its just easier that way. I'm gonna go back to the way it was. Never going out, never on the phone, always reading and in front of the t.v. and extremely heavy for my age and height, the last part won't happen cause I can't let myself get that heavy again. Its just not healthy.

July 6

For the past two days I have been hanging out with my cousin that bitch is crazy. I miss Dramatic.

Independence Weekend

My weekend was okay. I went to New Jersey to spend some time with my cousin and bring her back to New York with me. Anyway when my mother and I reached my uncle Captain Gap came to pick us up from the train in the morning. Unfortunately we didn't call before we left home so we ended up spending the weekend with 7 exta people. It wasn't that bad because playing the disappearing act is fun. Cyre wasn't there at first because she didn't want to spend the night with her family if I wasn't even coming until Sunday morning. As the day continued we relaxed and helped get the barbecue ready. That night a ten year old girl made my ears ring with the type of stuff she said, had my mind running for hours. I was shocked. Monday we went to the mall, and came home late that night. It wasn't a very interesting weekend.

Shark Boy and Lava Girl

This had to be the worst movie that I have ever seen. I just went to get out of the house but I was ready to shoot myself. It was a true kids movie. The kids did it enjoy it though so I guess the objective was accomplished: get them out of the house to enjoy themselves.